Mom Got Mad

Mom Got Mad

 By Julia Jackson McCready

(7/20/2009)

for Alice

Once upon a time,

Mom got mad.

I thought it was something I did. But it wasn’t.

Life was scary for me.

You know, everybody wants to be loved, and I wanted to be loved a lot.

I thought if I could be really good that she wouldn’t hurt me anymore.

But it never really worked that way.

When bad things would happen, I’d go away to a place inside me that felt safer.

 I’d wait for the scary part to be over.

Inside, I didn’t feel scared. I didn’t really feel anything at all.

Later, when it was safe, I’d come out.

I think I used to tell myself that someday it wouldn’t be like that anymore.

I’d grow up and find someone that loved me and have a real family.

Or I’d become so smart, and beautiful, and funny that my mother would have to love me.

Wouldn’t she?

Finally, I grew up.

But I didn’t know that all along, I was lovable. And it took a long time for me to find out.

Because what I wanted to do was go back and change the parts of my life that had hurt

Me,

Like erasing a mistake and starting over.

But I couldn’t, because that was the real picture:

Mom got mad. She hurt me. I was scared.

I wanted to make it stop. But I couldn’t.

The grown-up me can do a lot of things.

I can be loved, and have a real family.

I can be smart, and beautiful, and funny.

But I can’t change what happened to me a long time ago.

Instead, I have to believe in my self, today. Every day.

I have a little girl now, and I want her to believe in herself:

So even when it’s hard, I keep trying.

That way, the old story can come to an end…

…and we can live happily

Even after.

                                                            *****************

Everyone is worthy of love. I have some happy memories of my mother, but many are complicated. On this Mother's Day I want to honor not only her memory, but all the folks out there for whom Mother's Day is equally complicated.  

May God bless you all. We can live happily even after.

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