F ³: The Motherhood Civil War

This week, as I was driving, I caught part of the 1A broadcast on this topic:

The choice to not have children, 1A, May 9th, 2023

What do we misunderstand about the history of not having children? And how does that history affect how we think about family and motherhood today?

There are a lot of reasons to examine this topic right now: the decimation of reproductive justice* by the Supreme Court, an apparent desire to launch against birth control next - - even rumblings that women ought not to have the right to initiate divorce. All of these seek to limit the choices of women. 

The irony of discussing this as Mother’s Day approaches did not escape me.

The show highlighted various responses to women who have chosen not to have children. This speech from Theodore Roosevelt is a doozy. I’ll give you a hint.

In 1905, Theodore Roosevelt told the National Congress of Mothers that women who do not reproduce are as useless as “unleavened bread.”

I find it loathsome that anyone thinks they have a right to hold forth about someone else’s procreation. As far as I am concerned, all I care about is that women are able to make their own choices and that - - whatever they choose - - they are afforded the best and safest medical care which supports their choices. 

A moment in the broadcast really ‘got my back up’, as they say. Before a break, the host said:

Coming up next - - “can women with children and women without children ever truly be friends?” How do we see this framed in the media? 

My mental response as I drove:

Can men with children and men without children ever truly be friends? Do we ever ask that question?

The thought of articles in newspapers and magazines, social media content, shows on radio or television focusing on whether men with children can have friendships with men who don’t is laughable. Why is that?

Firstly, because motherhood is perceived as the default setting for any woman whether she likes it or not. Also, because much of what is written about women is written with the mindset of criticism and control. Women are taught to worry about everything in their lives and to have concern that their choices are the wrong ones. We are taught to question ourselves and to care very much what other people want and what they think of us.

That is why a satire account like @manwhohasitall on Twitter makes us laugh but also cringe.

Career OR baby? A choice facing so many men. I fully support all men's choices - busy dads, career men, crazy cat gentlemen and men who have it all. - - @manwhohasitall

Taking something which is basically a simple thing - - some people raise children, some don’t - - laying it entirely on women, and then setting up a conflict between women is an ingenious way pit women against each other and to disempower them. What is the “Motherhood Civil War”? It’s a stealthy sort of subjugation.

Look! Not all women are the same! Let’s make them worry about that!

Hogwash. Balderdash. It’s a cheap and dirty trick to divide and conquer. I reject it.

And one more thing: as the host from 1A took callers on the show’s topic, one came in that tugged at my heartstrings. Paraphrased:

You’re talking about how not having children is a choice. Some of us truly wanted children but were unable to have them. For us being childless is a choice unanswered. 

Ouch. That brings to mind all the women whose existence is frequently peppered with unwanted questions: any children yet? Planning to have children? Don’t you have any children? What do you do with yourself if you don’t have children? 

This is not acceptable. None of it is kind, or supportive, or just.

To summarize, the basic groups in this discussion look like this.

1. Wanted children, has them.

2. Didn’t want children, but has children.

3. Wanted children, but weren’t able to have them.

4. Didn’t want children, don’t have children.

None of this is any of our business unless we are the person in question. And none of this is the sole reason that a person born with a uterus is here on this planet. 

Don’t be the person who puts that burden on someone else. Don’t let someone put that burden on you. 

*Reproductive justice is a contemporary framework for activism and for thinking about the experience of reproduction. It is also a political movement that splices reproductive rights with social justice to achieve reproductive justice. The definition of reproductive justice goes beyond the pro-choice/pro-life debate and has three primary principles: (1) the right not to have a child; (2) the right to have a child; and (3) the right to parent children in safe and healthy environments. In addition, reproductive justice demands sexual autonomy and gender freedom for every human being. (Ross, L., & Solinger, R. (2017). Reproductive Justice: An Introduction. Oakland, CA: University of California Press.)