F ³: Know the Signs

 

There are so many takes swirling around out there this morning. I’m hesitant to offer one. How could I possibly have anything to say that has not already been said? Yeah, well. It’s Friday and the theme is Free Form. Here we go. - - jam

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Let’s talk about abuse.

Anyone who has been the victim of abuse becomes painfully sensitive to what an abuser looks like, sounds like, acts like. It doesn’t matter if their abuse was experienced as a child, in an intimate partner relationship, or in the workplace. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. There are certain qualities that carry across all kinds of abuse. If you have experienced it, you know. 

You forever have what is colloquially known as “spidey senses” when an abuser comes on the scene. It is not a good feeling. It is often compounded by others who refuse to believe you when you express your misgivings. 

Living through abuse is hell. Could anything be worse than hell?  Possibly not being believed. Not having anyone to turn to who will stand up for you. Having your pain and suffering mocked, denied, glossed over as unimportant.  

People who would rather keep quiet or look the other way are not, as they may think, being neutral. They are apologists for abuse.

Yesterday the defendant in the trial that concluded in New York State was convicted on 34 counts.The story of a trial is about the law: presentation of evidence and the judgement of a jury. 

An equally true story, though not within the scope of the trial, is that this man is an abuser. Here’s a basic list from a basic article about abusers in intimate partner relationships. See any similarities?

Charming

Jealous

Manipulative

Controlling

A Victim

Narcissistic

Inconsistent

Critical

Disconnects victims from others 

Hypersensitive

Vicious and cruel

Insincerely repentant* 

The defendant was not on trial for any of these traits and yet they couldn’t have been more visible during the court proceedings. 

No one can tell you, dear reader, about how you should feel upon the conviction of a criminal. As for me, I felt a kind of momentary relief that one feels when it seems that the abuse will stop. That relief has two parts:

The abuse will stop!

Now people will finally understand!

But that relief is often short-lived. The abuse may stop. But the people who were so invested in covering for the abuser or pretending there was no abuse won’t necessarily “understand.” 

That’s why yesterday’s verdict won’t mean anything to them. 

Does America have an abuser problem? Insofar as any abuse is too much: yes. But America’s overwhelming crisis is that we produce thousands and thousands of people who tolerate abuse. Minimize it. Enable it. People who consider themselves perfectly ordinary in every way for whom abuse is not a dealbreaker.

I can’t be more blunt: abuse is always a dealbreaker. 

A free, peaceful, democratic society cannot function or thrive if we can’t find a way to break this cycle. It’s so much bigger than one trial and 34 counts. It is a poison within our culture.

Nonetheless, yesterday’s verdict is a moment to take a breath and feel that not all is lost. Everyone needs respite during hard times like these. Those of us who have seen our concerns mocked, denied, and glossed over recognize the value in seeking accountability for the criminal actions from a perpetrator who has long escaped accountability. 

I don’t know what comes next. Perhaps we can do a better job at helping people understand the signs of an abuser and how to break the cycle of abuse. 

Village Green/Town² Comments 

*Okay, possibly not that one.