F ³: Hidden in Plain Sight

 

Since I announced up front that I wouldn’t be writing today, let’s just pretend I’m not.

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I mentioned yesterday that regular life events have been making me teary of late. This is very likely because I am slowly tapering off of Paxil, one of the medications that was prescribed to me, along with therapy, after my youngest child was born. I wrote a little bit about this here. These medications were a godsend to me. 

An odd side effect of Paxil for me was that it flattened extreme emotions. I could experience happiness but not exhilaration, sadness, but rarely cried. I figured that was the tradeoff and that it was fair enough. Life went on.

And then in 2022 when I was diagnosed and received medication for ADHD, it became clear that most of the anxiety and depression I had been dealing with for years were a function of undiagnosed ADHD. After a while I began to wonder if I still needed the Paxil. 

Life threw me an unexpected challenge when my primary care provider left general practice. I was extremely fortunate to find someone who is excellent and with whom I feel compatible. In looking over my medical history and asking about my current state of wellbeing, she suggested that I might want to think of tapering off of Paxil. 

It was a suggestion, not a decree. I had clearly already been thinking about it.

If you don’t know, one does not simply stop taking Paxil. It’s complicated. The process takes time. There are a host of unpleasant side effects that one may experience. Sometimes you hit rough patches. I’m not an expert, but when primary care physicians, diagnosing psychiatrists, and Dr. Google agree, that must mean something.

I’m in a bit of a rough patch at the moment but I wanted to talk about something else that’s going on.

The interesting part of this process for me is that I am beginning to experience the kinds of emotions that I haven’t felt for over twenty-four years. Largely it has manifested itself in getting teary over the most unexpected things.

• The stranger at Lapcorp who stepped up and helped a woman in her eighties navigate the hi tech sign-in kiosk.
• A video clip of the late composer Henry Mancini conducting.
• “The dogs were good again this week”
• Moral support in an online ADHD group.
• The end of the Brother Cadfael book series
• A tapestry about the dignity of workers 
• Eating dinner with my husband at Chipotle 

It’s rather like having one’s emotions jump out and say “boo!” when you least expect it. I have decided that I am experiencing a natural by-product of a changing brain. Eventually it will all even out. 

I’m putting this here today because someone may need to see it and feel less alone. There are some truly negative and judgmental people in the world with no understanding of (or empathy for) their fellow humans. Many folks are worried about being candid when it comes to mental health issues. As for myself, I find myself reluctant to put this out there with a flourish or a herald of trumpets.

So I’m hiding it in plain sight.