Thursday, April 1, 2021

Not the News


As previously announced, today’s post is an assortment of delightfully absurd local news stories. Some were submitted by readers, some are mine. No trickery is intended. 

*CA announces the creation of Mr. Grass Wheel, an aquatic device which will employ a new technology to grow marijuana in the algae formations on Lake Kittamaqundi. The marijuana crop will be sold to support Columbia Association programs at a new dispensary overlooking the lake (formerly Haven on the Lake.) The dispensary will contain a special “try before you buy” lounge, decorated with a large mural of Columbia founder Jim Rouse, with his famous words: Cities Can Be Fun.

*Howard County Board of Education creates an equity based budget. Community advocacy group objects to the word “equity”, asks for study group to formulate an acceptable definition. In the meantime, all monies earmarked for diversity, equity, and inclusion will go to high school sports programs, because no one objects to them.

*The Howard Hughes Corporation announces this year’s interactive art experience: Rouse-Colored Glasses. Visitors will interact with a preconstructed environment while wearing Virtual Reality glasses which allow them to see everything as it was in Columbia of the 1970’s.  VR headsets will allow visitors to photograph themselves in days gone by, so it is sure to be a hit with the Instragram generation. Food and drink from long-departed Columbia restaurants will be served. Be on the lookout for those tasty garlic knots!

*County Executive Calvin Ball announces the repurposing of the Wilkins Rogers Mill in Oella as a huge, mixed-use project which will combine housing at a variety of price points, a grocery with pharmacy, an urgent care facility, and an elementary, middle, and high school. The surrounding parking lots will be replaced with playgrounds, playing fields, pervious pavement parking, and generous tree-planting. Local advocacy groups will be meeting to find something to object to.

*Plans for the much-anticipated television show, The Real Bloggers of Howard County were scrapped when it became apparent that very few of the bloggers were willing to appear in the same room together. Negotiations are still continuing as to whether including podcasters with bloggers would violate the spirit of the show. Several local bloggers have volunteered to critique the show should it manage to get off the ground.

*The controversy over who should control the Columbia Democratic Club continues. Members have agreed to a competition to settle the matter, however, one faction is advocating for a general knowledge quiz while the other is holding out for mud-wrestling.

*A well-known Western Howard County resident has announced plans to open “Mairzy Goats”, a goat-themed café/restaurant. Patrons will be able to enjoy interacting with baby goats while eating and drinking  in the proposed establishment. Customers may “tip” the little critters with pre-approved goat snacks, and photo opportunities will, of course, be plentiful.

Two stories about Columbia founder James Rouse turned up. You’ll have to choose your favorite.

*Rouse’s head is discovered in a cryogenically frozen state at Whole Foods. He is reanimated and put on the county council where he disagrees with everyone and they kick him off and refreeze him.

*James Rouse comes back from the dead to weigh in that he supports every single side of every single issue that has ever been discussed in Columbia.

(There you have it, folks. Mr. Rouse is either very agreeable or not at all. Go figure.)

I hope you enjoyed today’s April First departure from reality. Thanks to all who submitted ideas!


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