Non è mai troppo tardi

I’m sharing my very first legitimately “published” piece in this week’s Free Form Friday. It appeared in this summer’s issue of the Mount Holyoke Alumnae Quarterly as the back page “My Voice” essay. If you know me in real life you may have already seen this. It’s the story of how I was diagnosed with ADHD just shy of my sixty-second birthday. 

Solving the Puzzle of Myself

I’ve been squeamish about putting this out into the world because I have worried what people would think. I’ve finally decided to face that fear and be done with it. The truth is, my brain works differently. Perhaps if more people understood the neurological basis of ADHD there would be fewer assumptions that it’s a character flaw or some kind of lazy excuse.

I’ve learned that girls are far less likely to be diagnosed with ADHD because we often present differently. We’re not the textbook wiggly, impulsive (boys) that many teachers and clinicians can easily recognize. I’ve discovered that some women who I deeply admire were also diagnosed as adults. One of them wrote to me:

…your blog is in part the representation of what we excel at: making immediate relationships/connections that people miss.

Oh.

Probably the biggest challenge I have faced since diagnosis is grieving what might have been. 

My life would have been so different with medication and supports. I do feel a sense of grief that I can’t have those years back to live differently.

My psychiatrist, who grew up in Italy, told me the story of his favorite childhood television show. It had actually been created to teach adults how to read, but for some reason he just loved it. The name of the show was “non è mai troppo tardi”, which translates as “It’s never too late.”

He shared this with me to remind me that my story isn’t over yet. I still have time to make sense of things, make choices, pursue my dreams. Those five words in Italian have become something of a talisman for me. I’m not a tattoo sort of person, but, should I ever decide to get one, that’s what it would say.

People sometimes talk about how there’s a whole new life ahead of you in retirement. That’s certainly true for me. In many ways I’m getting to know myself all over again. 

I just kept going until one day I found myself.