Sunday, April 3, 2022

A New Phobia


Yesterday I discovered a word I’d never seen before and it caught my imagination: Columbiphobia.

Love our beer but have Columbiphobia (the fear of Columbia, MD) now we'll ship beer to anywhere else in Maryland! Order by Sunday evening and you'll have a box of cans to you by the end of the week.

Now, I have actually been to Sapwood Cellars for a happy hour event with coworkers. I enjoyed the atmosphere and their beer. I probably would have returned had the pandemic not intervened. But what’s all this about “Columbiphobia”?

It’s probably quite simple. Something along the lines of, “Man, I love your beer but I don’t want to have to come all the way out to Columbia, you know?” This would suggest that Sapwood is drawing folks from outside the Columbubble. Good for them.

For those who see Columbia as the center of the universe this notion of Columbiphobia might be puzzling.  And yet, I did not always live here and I have vivid memories of friends telling me they hated coming to Columbia because they always got lost. To be honest, when I first moved here, I often got lost. (Okay, I got lost trying to find Sapwood Cellars and that was only two years ago.)

So let’s have a bit of fun with this. Let’s imagine that Columbiphobia is a recognized condition. What do you think the signs and/or symptoms would be? I’ll start:

  • Anxiety at leaving 95 for 175 with a fear of ending up in Jessup yet again.
  • Flashbacks of bad 70’s fashions when driving by the mall.
  • A feeling of existential dread that all the neighborhoods look alike and you are going in circles.
  • A sudden loss of NSEW orientation.
  • A creeping suspicion that the place you are looking for is deliberately hiding from you.
Now it’s your turn! What’s your definition of Columbiphobia*? And remember, this is for fun. No mean-spirited responses, please. Your suggestions are welcome here.


*A quick Google search tells me that Columbiphobia is the fear of pigeons. We’ll just pretend we don’t know that.

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